God Doesn't Want Me to Work for the Government

Okay, so some of you may be privy to this information, but likely most of you aren't. This is the ongoing story of my attempt to get a job with United States Attorney's office. Hilarity ensues.

In late December I met with a friend of mine who's a very successful lawyer in Birmingham. He promised to set me up with a great job with United States Attorney's office. Excited and naïve, I sent my resume in, and got accepted to the job. Little did I know that this would create a hellish string of events not worth any unpaid job.

In early March, I got a notice from the United States Attorney's office that I had a four-year-old delinquent debt of $55. Apparently my cable company in college had decided to defraud me half a c-note. Knowing that they had no reason to charge me for anything, I initiated a credit dispute. Little did I know, but credit disputes take approximately 2 months to complete. The government, however, wanted the issue resolved in 14 days.

So I set about the task of determining how to resolve the issue. Only then did I discover that my former cable company, Adelphia, was now bankrupt and no longer existed. After much research, I discovered that Adelphia had been bought out by Time-Warner cable, so I called them to resolve the issue. After waiting on hold, for two hours, with the cable company that I've never used, that bought out the company I used in 4 years, they told me that they would call me back to resolve the issue. I never heard back. So I called them back. Twice. On the third call I discovered that my region was not the one purchased by Time Warner cable, instead it was purchased by Comcast. Seven days have passed.

So I call Comcast. Not only do they have a record of the $55 charge, but they cannot tell me what in the hell the charge was for. It is at this point that I discover that the reason that Adelphia went bankrupt was because they committed massive fraud. Apparently they decided to charge a bunch of people a bunch of money that they didn't owe. But regardless of any fraud claims, I was still going to have to pay $55 for a service I never gained, for a bill I never received, for a collections dispute I was never informed of, and for a general ass raping that I was about to receive.

Swallowing my pride, I paid the $55.93 charge for the service I never received. The next day, I get an e-mail from the United States Attorney's office human resources manager telling me I need proof of payment. At this point, my 14 days have expired. However, my bill is supposed to be in the mail, providing proof that I've paid this charge. I was wrong.

After a week of waiting, and approximately 10 e-mails from the United States Attorney's office, my proof of payment has yet to arrive. So I call Comcast and tell them to either e-mail it or fax it to me. They don't. I call again. They don't. I call yet again. They don't. Four requests for a fax or an e-mail completely denied. And a supervisor is apparently too busy to talk to me. Apparently they have customer service issues a lot, and their super is backed up.

The lady of the United States Attorney's office human resources division is just as frustrated at me as I am that Comcast, so she tells me just send me a copy of my credit card statement, and that'll do the job. Finally! This is something I can handle, this is something that I can take care of. So I log onto the website of my credit card company, only to discover that there is no history that I've ever used my credit card, ever. Even though my four digit credit card debt has been wiped clean, I am pissed off because I can't provide the proof that I've paid a measly $55 to a company I stop dealing with a half decade ago.

So I call the credit card company. After waiting on hold, I discover that my credit card has been reported lost or stolen. Even though it's sitting in front of me. Apparently, the credit card company had determined that my credit card had been "compromised." Because of this, it was necessary to delete all of my records, even making it so that the customer service representative could not determine what my expenditures have been for the past week.

Fuck me.

So here I am, with a potentially nice, utterly unpaid job at the United States Attorney's office, but I'm being held back by $55 charge, that as of two months ago I had no idea existed. Fuck me...