Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How to Make a Law Firm Website

SO! You've decided your law firm needs a shiny new website? Maybe that billboard down County Road 98 just isn't pulling in your high-revenue clientele. Never fear, PAC is here to help you design your website.

In my time here, I have stumbled upon many law firm websites, and few, if any, are well designed. SEO? Screw that. Site maps? Directions are for pussies. Meaningful information about how your firm is different that the one on the floor below? Why the hell would you want your customers to know that? So here you go, the definitive guide to setting up your own law firm website, terribly.


How to Make a Law Firm Website

It is very important to remember that all lawyers are the most tech-savvy people you will ever know. Whatever those lawyers use on their servers must be what everyone else is using, right? Therefore, make sure your website is only compatible with Netscape running 640x480 resolution. Using Firefox? Fuck you.

First, place your firm's name across the top. Use fancy caligraphy or sharp-edged, pronounced letters, but certainly NOTHING in between. The idea here is emphasize that your firm is as old as movable-type printing presses. That's why your website looks like it was originally rolled out by Gutenberg and scanned into Go Daddy. Colors are absolutely evil. Unless it's navy blue. Navy blue looks good, but nothing else. Think in terms of grey. If you can get at least 3 shades of grey on your logo, you're doing awesome. If you're feeling a little frisky, you can take the avant guard route and add one really loud color to your name or logo. However, if it's anything other than abstract minimilistic, go back to square one and stick to grey. And navy blue.

Next, on the row below, have "About the Firm", "Practice Areas", "Our People/Attorneys", and "Contact us." This is very important. If you do not have these things, your state bar association may sue you, kidnap your children, and neuter your dog. If you have anything else on this line, they'll probably do worse. Innovation is the devil. Secondly, it's very important that each of these fonts be black on white background. High contrast is critical to catching the eye of that geriatric that is using the interwebs to scout his new will-maker.

Next, set up two columns, and then flip a coin.

If it's heads, go right. tails, go left. In your chosen column, write the following canned description of your firm: "Over the years, the members of [Insert names], [LLP/LLC/PC], have developed a reputation for aggressive and effective litigation in state and federal courts throughout the state of Lone Star." This allows clients to think you are good at what you do, while still not knowing absolutely anything about you. "Since [year of founding], [Firm Name] has excelled in the areas of [Insert practice areas that are highly technical and legalese, so lay people think you're really smart. Always include "complex litigation" in there. All litigation is complex, but those rubes don't know that]. We represent a wide range of clients, and our attorneys understand our clients' problem on a deep level." This last part is very important. It is critical to emphasize that your firm "cares" about your client's "problem." It may be lip service, as you really only care how many billable hours you can hang on the poor bastard in perpetuating said "problem," but when they sue you for overbilling, you can show the jury your pretty website saying you "care." If you have fewer than 10 attorneys, it's also good form to add up everyone's years of experience (x), subtract 1 (x-1), and brag about how you have "more than [x-1] years of experience defending clients' rights/bringing clients justice." This way you can brag about having 5 years experience without having paid your bar association renewal yet.

On the opposing side of your ambiguous firm description, get someone who has a very basic understanding of flash to put a steady rotation of stock photos showing gavels, courthouses, pretentious lawyers, grieving victims, and money. Lots of money. It is even highly recommended that you hire a professional photographer to take a shot of said grieving victim swimming in a silo full of Scrooge McDuck money. I mean, that is the point, right? If the law was about justice, they wouldn't have the lottery element, meaning that litigation is about as much about the "law" as an Indian casino is about "gaming."

Below your two columns, on the bottom row, put your street address. Maybe a telephone number. Most bar associations require this so that they can come knock on your door and commend you on how utterly bland your website is. The bar usually requires a couple other things, too. Many jurisdictions require you to say some BS about how you aren't making any representations that your law firm is better than anyone else's. You know this is BS, the bar knows this is BS, and anyone looking at your website with blatant DuckTails references knows it's BS too, but for some reason, the BS sticks around. Who really even cares? You know you're better anyway. You have navy blue in your serif-fonted logo, for God's sake. And then cap it all off with some fine print about some copyright bullshit you made up because you're a transational firm and know nothing about IP law. No one wants to use your website. No one. No one is going to steal anything from you. Afterall, you stole most of your stock pictures from Wikipedia. Any one's use of your website will inevitably covered under Fair Use anyway, under the "parody" exception.

What you do next is as important as all the steps leading up to this. From this point on, do absolutely nothing. Never update your website. Ever. Forget you ever even had a website. "Hey, yall's firm have a website?" "Website? What website? I thought we got rid of the spider problem." If a named partner happens to leave, sit on a website overhaul for as long as possible. Many times you can string this out for months, even years. It'll have the same effect as having a dead guy's name on the door, but the dead guy can still sue you. Conveniently, the guy that left for greener pastures will never find your website, because Google hates it, is ashamed it has to post it somewhere within its search parameters, and so hides it where no one will ever look: among the blogs talking about how awesome lawyers are.

If you followed this step-by-step guide, you should have yourself a very conventional, very clean, very navy law firm website. It shouldn't have taken too long, and now you're kinda angry that you knocked out that project, and you still have another hour before you can justify taking an early lunch. Good work!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Law School Scam

Last week, I got a letter in the mail from my law school. Printed on very nice, heavy-weight paper, the law school was politely informing me that tuition was going up this year, yet again. They made sure to clarify that they were not increasing at rates much worse than other schools, which isn't saying a lot when some California students are looking down the barrel of a 60% increase. Even still, the typical rate increase around the country is sitting around 8%.

Every day, it seems like I hear some other unfortunate soul saying that they are going to law school. Without fail, I tell them to forget about it and find a real job. And, without fail, every single one looks at me like I am an idiot and then promptly signs their life away to Sallie Mae. That bitch is Satan. No one believes me, so I needed a way to prove it. I am an economics major trapped in law school with a bunch of people that cannot tell the difference between a profit margin and compounding interest, so I figured I would do the leg work for them. So, for a few hours over the last week, I put together some cashflow projections to assess how awesome law school is. The results floored me.

The results tell the story of two friends, Larry and Carl. Larry and Carl went to college together. Both were bright, business-minded guys that were very, very frugal. Carl left college and got a typical job, making a typical salary of $46,000 (the average salary for college graduates last year). Larry was more ambitious and decided he wanted to go to law school. Larry thought Carl was an idiot when Carl said Larry was an idiot for going, but they both remained fast friends. When Larry got out of law school, he took a job at a mid-sized firm making $60,000 his first year. Throughout their lives, Larry and Carl lived next to each other in similar houses, got yearly 5% raises, bought the same things, invested in the same things, got married at 30, had Child 1 at 35, and Child 2 at 40. Eventually both of them retired at 65.

Larry's law school decision ended up making him more money. But not a lot. After it was all said and done, Larry passed Carl's net worth when he was 46 years old. At retiring age, Larry was still worth only $40,000 more than Carl, an average of less than $1,000 per year since they were 22. For that $1,000 a year, Larry worked 60 hour weeks to Carl's 40. Larry developed an alcohol problem that will cut short his retiring years due to liver disease. Carl saw more of his kid's baseball games, while Larry spent more time on the phone with Sallie Mae trying to refinance his loans. Oh yeah, and neither one of them ever paid taxes. There goes that advantage...

The fact is, for 95% of people, law school is a bad choice. The hours suck, the stress is overbearing, and the job isn't even that fun. I heard a statistic one time (fyi, I have never been able to confirm it, so take it with a grain of salt): 10% of people that attend law school will still be practicing 10 years out. A retention rate like that makes Hiroshima's death toll look favorable. Very, VERY few people will ever be the one to get the 6-digit starting salary, be the international legal advisor to the stars, or win the million dollar settlements. In fact, for most people that attend law school, you will be getting paid slightly better than your non-lawyer friends, for the sole fact that you have $92,000 in debt kicking your ass for as long as Sallie Mae has a collections department (and they don't look like they'll be scrapping that anytime soon).

But why to we still go? I'll tell you why I went to law school: money. Plain and simple. I could say all I wanted about helping people, and all that crap, but lets face it, working at a soup kitchen won't keep you from eating there later on. I heard that one anecdotal story about that one friend of mine that had her house paid for with her signing bonus, and I had lottery fever. Never mind the fact that she blasted out #1 at a top-tier school and was on a first-name basis with half the named partners, I could do that, all while going out 5 nights a week.

Yes, of course I was an idiot. Fools and their money are easily parted. Fools part with money much more easily when Sallie Mae gives it to them for filling out a simple form. She comes back with a vengeance.

So why do lawyers let law schools fleece students for home-mortgage-sized debts? As much as lawyers love to say they love helping people, they are no different from me. They want money, and they have loans to pay off as well, so they want to charge as much as they can. They can't very well do that if there are thousands more lawyers out there competing against them, so they increase the requirements to practice. The United States is the ONLY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD that requires a doctorate for lawyers. In fact, the three countries with legal systems very similar to the US (UK, Canada, and Australia), only require a bachelors degree, which typically takes 5 years, instead of 7 here. In fact, it used to be the same way in the United States. Hell, Lincoln was a lawyer and he never even went to college, because back then you could join the profession through apprenticeship. It was not until the two powerful interest groups of the American Bar Association and the Association of American Law Schools pushed for a 3-year post-graduate course requirement did the American legal landscape change, and it never looked back.

Things have come to a head at long last. A century of increasing requirements on becoming lawyers has choked the legal labor pool. There are half as many lawyers per capita than there were 20 years ago. The ABA (yes, that one) is committed to "expanding access to legal services," but refuses to consider changes to allow more lawyers to enter the workforce at lower cost. Meanwhile, law schools have jacked up the prices to attend, and now students are leaving school with mountains of debt. Those mountains of debt were sustainable because of the huge salaries that were being doled out at even mid-sized firms until recently. However, the Great Recession has set off a nuclear blast in the legal market. Some large firms no longer have the money to afford their potential new associate's debt load. New lawyers do not have jobs, and are having to defer loans, stacking up their principle to the tune of 8% interest (a rate that is twice the rate for a mortgage). In fact, some lawyers now get debt-forgiveness if they work specific government jobs that pay insanely low salaries, but those jobs are filled to the brim with applicants. Therefore, most new lawyers are looking at unemployment, or taking a job in the "sweet spot": the range of income where they cannot pay off their loans, but aren't eligible for loan assistance.

And to top it off, law schools are still increasing their tuition at 4 times the rate of inflation.

So, to all you people that look at me like I am an idiot when I tell you not to go to law school, YOU are a shit-for-brains punk if you think you have the system beat. Take it from someone that played that game and lost. There are plenty others like me. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. He was smart enough not to go to law school.

[I have posted the cash flows below if you're interested.]

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Stop! Panic Time!

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this originally on April 28th , but didn't get a chance to edit and post it prior to finals, as I'm sure you know how it goes. After all, the LOST series finale was last weekend, and all 6 seasons are not going to watch themselves in between tests. Enjoy.


Ah, it's the most wonderful time of year for law students. It is the time of year that the temperature finally reaches levels of tolerability, and glossy-eye law students emerge from their textbook-induced hibernation to once again look upon the beauties of nature. Birds chirp and flowers bloom as the poor kids straighten their backs to meet the sweet smell of spring. Now no longer bound to the harsh attendance requirements of their employment law classes, these students pour into nature for the first time in months, soaking in the sun and enjoying the freedom that only finals season offers.


One could say that Spring Break was the calm before the storm, because some students started studying for finals over a month ago. However, for most, finals season began when class ended just a few days ago. Most law students haven't seen the sun in days, if not weeks. They hole up in window-less rooms to ensure a complete casino environment where the student cannot know what the time of day is. Students will send their pets home to their mothers because their study schedule guarantees neglect. I, personally, have never studied more that 3 days for a law school test, but several students have dedicated weeks to the study of a single subject that they hope to be able to regurgitate in a single 3-hour, knuckle-warping gauntlet.

But the preparation is only one side of the coin. Law school is not just a intellectual exercise, it is a psychological tour de force. We have discussed The Panic previously. The Panic is the contagious stress-inducing phenomenon that permeates law school buildings and affecting the hapless students inside. The Panic has certainly taken a beachhead at my fair institution, and it has already brought many to their knees in teary breakdowns of Dave Chappelle proportions.

This is not a post about The Panic. This is a different kind of post. The Panic just happens to be going on, and I think it's hilarious. Instead, I would like to talk about healthcare. I present you the effects of two drugs. Pharmaceutical #1 and Pharmaceutical #2. I have listed the effects of both drugs below.


Pharmaceutical #1

Physical effects

Anorexia, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, blood shot eyes, flushing, restlessness, dry mouth, bruxism, headache, tachycardia, bradycardia, tachypnea, hypertension, hypotension, fever, diaphoresis, diarrhea, constipation, blurred vision, aphasia, dizziness, twitching, insomnia, numbness, palpitations, arrhythmias, tremors, dry and/or itchy skin, acne, pallor, convulsions, and in rare cases (or in cases of abuse) coma, stroke, heart attack and death.

Psychological effects

Euphoria, anxiety, increased or decreased libido, alertness, concentration, energy, self-esteem, self-confidence, sociability, irritability, aggression, psychosomatic disorders, psychomotor agitation, hubris, excessive feelings of power and invincibility, repetitive and obsessive behaviors, paranoia, and with chronic and/or high doses, amphetamine psychosis can occur. The long term effects on the neural development of children have not been established.

Withdrawal effects

Mental fatigue, mental depression and an increased appetite. Symptoms may last for days with occasional use and weeks or months with chronic use, with severity dependent on the length of time and the amount taken. Withdrawal symptoms may also include anxiety, agitation, excessive sleep, vivid or lucid dreams (deep REM sleep), suicidal thoughts and psychosis.

Pharmaceutical #2

Short-Term effects

Alertness, feelings of well-being and euphoria, energy and motor activity, feelings of competence and sexuality. Athletic performance may be enhanced. Anxiety, paranoia and restlessness are also frequent. Occasional use does not typically lead to severe or even minor physical or social problems.

Long-Term effects

With excessive dosage, tremors, convulsions and increased body temperature are observed. With excessive or prolonged use, the drug can cause itching, tachycardia, hallucinations, and paranoid delusions. Overdoses cause tachyarrhythmias and a marked elevation of blood pressure. These can be life-threatening, especially if the user has existing cardiac problems.

Chronic intake causes brain cells to adapt functionally to strong imbalances of transmitter levels in order to compensate extremes. The experience of insatiable hunger, aches, insomnia/oversleeping, lethargy, and persistent runny nose are often described as very unpleasant. Depression with suicidal ideation may develop in very heavy users. All these effects contribute a rise in tolerance thus requiring a larger dosage to achieve the same effect. May also greatly increase this risk of developing rare autoimmune or connective tissue diseases such as lupus, Goodpasture's disease, vasculitis, glomerulonephritis, Stevens-Johnson syndrome and other diseases. It can also cause a wide array of kidney diseases and renal failure. Abuse doubles both the risks of hemorrhagic and ischemic strokes, as well as increases the risk of other infarctions, such as myocardial infarction.

Dependency effects

Dependence (or addiction) is psychological dependency on its regular use. Dependency may result in physiological damage, lethargy, psychosis, depression, and fatal overdose.


If you have not guessed it so far, Pharmaceutical #1 is dextroamphetamine, the active ingredient in drugs like Adderall. Pharmaceutical #2 is recreational-grade benzoylmethylecgonine, otherwise known as cocaine.

I'm no pharmacist, but those look a hell of a lot alike. Considering that I have seen people on both, personal experience suggests that they are not too different. However, one is perfectly allowable in a law school setting while the other will forever prevent your passing a Character and Fitness Committee.

First, it may be important for us to go over the history of ADD and its treatment. "Hyperactivity" has been observed as early as 1793. Up until the 1960s, ADHD was only linked to identifiable brain injuries, not hereditary or environmental factors. However, “attention deficit disorder” did not exist as a diagnosable disease until the DSM-III, published in 1980. The active chemicals in what became to be known as Ritalin were originally discovered in 1944. In the 1960s, stimulants were first used in treating ADHD. Hardly over a decade later, ADD existed as its own independent psychological disorder.

Now, before we jump to conclusions about the disease that didn't exist until the cure could be sold to the victims, let's see how many people suffer from the disease. Psychologists estimate that between 3% and 5% of the United States populace has some form of ADHD. However, surveys report that between 5% and 35% of college age students self-reported taking study aids such as Ritalin and Adderall. Even one study found that 43% of American boys exhibited 3 of the 9 criteria for ADD under the DSM-IV. To give you an idea of how insignificant that statistic is, 16% of those very same boys will have blue eyes (not a criteria for ADD under the DSM-IV). One needs 6 of the 9 symptoms to be diagnosed with ADD. Therefore, it is more likely that you have exhibited enough symptoms worthy of being diagnosed of ADD while reading this article, than it is that you have blue eyes.

But you may be asking yourself, "But Godfather, why should I care about these peo… ooo! shiny object!” The answer is important in law school setting.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, educational facilities taking federal dollars must make accommodations for Americans with disabilities. ADD is a recognized disability under the ADA, which means that these students are often "accommodated" to the tune of 1.5x testing time. Because many law finals are three hours, this can be 4.5 hours, or as much as five total hours of testing, covering the same questions and the same material as other people in the class. Additionally, no consideration is given should be students also be prescribed coping prescriptions. For example, if a student is diagnosed with ADD and reports it to the school, there is no secondary check to see if they are actually taking Ritalin or Adderall. What this means is that students are given one opportunity to level the playing field, while also receiving another opportunity to tilt it in their favor. Many students are notorious for spending five hours, cracked out on Adderall, pounding out every last detail where the ultimate winner is the one who threw out the most information on their final.

But it doesn't stop there. Some students hoard their prescriptions. For the 18 weeks between finals, students will simply “save up” their precious supply of mind-enhancing drugs. After saving up the stash, students will take double, and sometimes even triple, the recommended dose for weeks on end. They will sleep precious few hours, choosing instead to hunch over desks, scanning over pages of information.

This is neither healthy, nor fair. These "disabled" are given more than enough opportunities to abuse their situation. Their behavior is no different than that of a cocaine addict. Without their precious drug, these people cannot function. However, during their binges, they will sustain themselves for literally a month on average of three hours of sleep per night. Once finals are over, the inevitable withdrawal set in, replaced by a steady stream of alcohol.

The practice of law is not law school. Tests do not occur twice a year. Instead, testing occurs on a daily basis. Reaction and cognition are necessary constantly, not for month-long benders. Yet, people are surprised to hear that law has high incidents of substance abuse.

It is because it starts in law school. The high stress environment lends itself to encouraging other outlets. Alcohol is the most common one. However, with the prevalence of study aids such as Ritalin and Adderall, the need for, and the inability to, ink out one last bit of productivity from a day that isn't getting any longer will only encourage more abuse. Adderall is an amphetamine. It is a Schedule-II drug. So is cocaine. One prevents your bar passage, but the other nearly guarantees it. Think about it.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Shame on You, America

Today, while procrastinating the interwebs, I stumbled upon a friend of mine who is excited that her parents were adopting two children. I, personally, think that adoption is a fantastic solution that provides children opportunities that they would never have had if adoption was not an option. Even more so, I was happy that the two children were from Ethiopia. Images of the Christian Children's Fund commercials, with those poor kids that seem to have flies as their only friends, made me happy that these children would see a better life in the great United States.

But then I had a realization...

As happy as I was for these children and their soon-to-be parents, a chill ran over me as I realized a devastating fact: no one buys American anymore.

An estimated 20,000 children are adopted internationally to the United States every year. That number has more than tripled since 1992. The reason that we do not know how many children are adopted each year is because no state is required to keep track of how many adoptions occur. However, since 1992 (the last year official records were kept) international adoptions have steadily climbed. In the past decade, international adoptions have skyrocketed ever since Angelina Jolie started making her international purchases in 2002.

One imagines that this was probably a well thought-out PR move. If Angelina got knocked up during the prime of her career, valuable money would've been taken out of her potential babies' mouths. Then, those babies would be forced to drink formula like all other babies, instead of the finely ground caviar mash Angelina planned to bring them up on. Plus, who wants to see Angelina Jolie pregnant? For a woman that 95% of the world wants to sex up, no one needs a reminder that little babies are the worst STD. So Angelina took the alternate route of adoption. However, like a woman with shoes, Angelina got a little carried away, ending up with six total. In order to maintain her image as a sex symbol, Angelina could not have people thinking that her vagina was a clown car for little children, so she made sure to get plenty from different countries. While possibly substantiating that these children were not all hers, the only other possibility was that she was a massive slut (which considering that she dated Billy Bob Thornton, is pretty undeniable). Yet, everything worked out, because like shoes, Angelina had one in every color, to go with every outfit.

It wasn't long before the rest of America discovered the benefits of "child accessorizing," causing the biggest boom in international adoptions in American history. Sadly, even when it comes to children, Americans have no desire to buy products made in the United States. Currently, there are an estimated 120,000 to 150,000 American children up for adoption. Only a small fraction of that number will be permanently adopted by loving parents. 60% of those adopted will be adopted by step parent. Half of the rest will be adopted by other family members that know the child. 20% of all children adopted in United States will be taken home by family they've never met and have no relation to. An increasing number of that 20% are now coming from overseas, instead of our own backyard.

In the United States, there is a midsize city's worth of home-grown, corn-fed America Babies ripe for the picking. Adopted America Babies have done great things for this country. On Sundays we watch Adopted America Baby Daunte Culpepper toss touchdowns. For post-game, we go to Adopted America Baby Dave Thomas's Wendy's restaurant. On the ride home, we listen to adopted America Baby Tim McGraw wail on the country station, and once home, google images of his hot Adopted America Baby wife, Faith Hill. A majority of Americans voted for Adopted America Baby Pres. Bill Clinton. Every single one of these people was born right here in the United States of Fuckin' America, adopted, then raised here as well. And let us not forget the most famous of all adopted Americans: Jesus, who was adopted by Joseph, son of Abraham Lincoln.

So America, get your head on straight. We buy toys from China that are covered in lead. We buy cars from Japan that have an eerie desire to drive us in the guard rails. We buy meat from Europe that will give us Mad Cow. And we buy vegetables from Mexico that will give us E. coli. What is there to make us think that our imported babies won't do the same? So America, when it comes to your stroller candy, do what Ed McMahon, Pres. Ronald Reagan, Willie Mays, and Ted Danson did before you, and buy American. Remember, American is always better, because even our babies are union made.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The New Threat to America

My fellow Americans,

We stand now on the edge of a precipice. America faces a threat so great, that every citizen faces it on their way to work tomorrow. Left unfettered, the threat will grind our country to a halt. We face one of the utmost threats in history, and if we are too self-righteous to address the issue, we are doomed to suffer its inevitable wrath.

The threat I speak of is the biker. I am not talking about the Harley-driving, leather-clad, mid-life conflicted CPA. I am talking about those individuals that see the bicycle as a means of transportation, exercise, or dreadfully, both. These road-hogging douchebags move at snail's pace, backing up the freest and most aggressive of America’s great inventions: the V-8. If God wanted you to use your legs, he would have… OH YEAH! LET YOU WALK, you fucker.

God didn’t want mankind to walk, and He also wanted America to be great. That’s why He revealed to America the 357 horsepower, 5.7 liter, HEMI V-8. A V-8 represents a monument to human engineering in coordination with divine wishes. With the HEMI V-8, America solved its two greatest threats: walking and bears (the engine noise is like a holy dog whistle for those grizzly motherfuckers).

The American Red-Assed Bicycler (Homos Dickus) is the great Satan that crazy Iranian keeps talking about. When God created the V-8, Satan countered by going at the jugular with the bicycle. This antiquated instrument was seemingly useless with the invention of the car, however, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. Yuppy pricks began hating God’s creation because they feared its chesthair-increasing growl (like bears), and began crafting excuses to avoid God’s love. Their excuse was fuel efficiency.

Fuel efficiency? Are you denying God’s greatness? God knew what he was doing, after all. He would not have blessed mankind with the V-8 without a plentiful food supply for the hungry lil’ sonuvabitch. God killed the meanest animals in history, dinosaurs, in an explosion Jerry Bruckheimer would sell his soul to trademark, and then He ground their bodies into a thick gooey substance we call “oil.” So badass was God’s V-8 creation, it fed on the condensed souls of the most badass motherfuckers to ever beat the shit out of Jeff Goldblum. But no, these heathens wanted to turn their backs on God’s play toy, and return to an age of transportation when it was a sin for women to show their ankles. The harlots…

Their solution was the bicycle. For those that are not familiar, a bicycle is a two-wheeled vehicle that requires one to move their feet in a walking manner in order to move two skinny wheels. So, in many ways, a bicycle is like walking, but because it is such a pain in the ass, the government requires this “wheeled walking” in traffic. Your mother was right, by the way: don’t play in traffic unless you want to get hit. As a matter of public policy, Americans decided that bicyclers, as a class, needed to be hit by a car. Some individuals have experienced a “bicycle” at some point in their lives. Yet this familiarity ended as soon as the individual’s balls dropped at age 16, when he was legally allowed to harness God’s power (formerly built in Detroit). Therefore, traditionally speaking, bicycles were for children (or the Chinese).

But Satan knew that convincing the masses to un-saddle God’s metallic unicorn for awkward-looking self-power was a little bit of a hard sell. However, he also knew he only had to convince a few bored jackasses in order to tame God’s mighty creation. He then began his greatest trick of all: exercise. Satan began telling his minions that if they simply rode in circles, but wound back up at the same place an hour later and sweaty as hell, it was good for them. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied. Then Satan told his minions to wear ridiculous clothes while riding their bicycles. The clothes Satan required were poor-fitting versions of the clothes from the movie Idiocracy. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied. Logically, this move made no sense. If one is trying to work hard to get an exercise, than difficulty is favorable. However, these clothes made bicycling easier, negating the purpose of “exercising,” and thereby necessitating traveling further for the same results. So Satan told his minions to use major avenues in order to expand their bicycling venues. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied, and with that, the trap was set. When his minions took to the thoroughfares, Satan created a bottleneck. Satan found a way to cage the mighty HEMI.

Years have passed, and teams of scientists, theologians, defense consultants, ice cream manufacturers, and automotive engineers have discovered that, unchecked, bicycling is the greatest threat America has ever seen. The increase in biking has stifled the true prowess of the V-8, even decreasing demand for God’s saving grace. V-8 owners are now forgetting the blessing their engines bring as they crawl 15 miles per hour below posted speed limits down their once-hallowed road tracks. Owners are even forgetting the joy of God’s grace, and moving to 4-cylinders made by sissies (i.e. the Japanese). In fact, fewer V-8’s were sold last year than in decades. V-8’s are vacating highways, leaving America with the sound of under-powered foreign “replacements” and, dare I say it, hybrids. [Shiver] The lack of a V-8’s holy rumble have emboldened all of America’s enemies, as evidenced from increased bear attacks to pirates. PIRATES! Even Pat Robertson noted, “If you look over the course of a hundred years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings.” (actual quote) Do you hear that America? Bikers are worse than terrorists.

How can we stop this encroachment on our freedoms, happiness, and even our very lives? Already, a nation-wide coalition of the willing have begun to fight back against the cyclo-terrorists. Cities across the country have now mandated that all bicycles be forced into traffic. States have prevented bicycles from accessing highways. However, there is only so much our authorities have been able to do. Like a good golf tee, they have simply given us, red-blooded Americans, a chance to drive the point home. My fellow Americans, it is now, in our darkest hour, that I ask everyone to take up the banner to beat back these cyclo-terrorists. You can do your part by reaching the speed limit at your favorite avenue, and simply set cruise control. Nothing else is needed. All violators will fall victim to the insatiable thirst of God’s screening process (your grill). Now is the time for Americans to save America, and you are American, aren’t you?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

We Use "Peer" Loosely

From: “Responsible Class Officer”
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2010 23:11:17 -0500
To: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”
Subject: Please read re: Peer Scholarship

To the members of Honor Court,
Just a reminder to donate to the “Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student” Peer Scholarship. In the spirit of tradition, we are asking that each member of our class donate $20. Checks can be made payable to "Anonymous Law School in the Deep South" with "’Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student’ Peer Scholarship" in the memo line. You may also donate cash but please put it in an envelope with your name. There is a big silver box on the counter in the breakroom set up to accept donations. Students in our class who donate will receive a tassel to wear at graduation in remembrance of “Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student” and in appreciation for your donation. I know you will not want to be left out. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact me.


“Responsible Class Officer”

From: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”
is this a donation or is this required?

“Responsible Class Officer”:
Why does it matter? Are you not going to donate unless it's requird?

From: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”
wouldnt that be my decision? If it is a donation then it would be at my discretion, no?

“Responsible Class Officer”:
Let's be honest...whether it's required or not, you aren't going to contribute if you don't want to so why does it even matter? I was simply reminding you. And you will probably be reminded again, maybe even several times.


Holy shit man…

I mean, what the fuck?

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t donated yet, but there’s an emphasis on “yet.” I understand the time-value of money, and that $20 is currently earning me some minute fraction of a penny during the time that I hoard it before I inevitably hand it over. That, and I’m lazy. But, I am going to give the money. Hell, why wouldn’t you? It is a scholarship to help someone who has truly earned it to pay for books, tuition, bar tabs, and hookers. Additionally, it’s from the third-year class who can now look back on our gut-wrenching law school career and understand that like the Beatles and Joe Cocker before us, it’s always nice to have a little help from your friends. Sometimes, even get high with a little help from your friends.

It truly takes a douchebag to not forgo a steak dinner and fork over a 20-spot to help out our younger brethren while also getting a spiffy tassel to wear at graduation. Can you really even put a price on a spiffy graduation tassel? Of course not! Simply trying to apply a mathematically rational valuation of a graduation tassel earned John Nash a Nobel Prize and sent him into the 8th tier of batshit crazy. So valiant were his efforts, Hollywood even made a movie about him, casting a bruiser of an Australian to play an American who more resembles the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. There exists no higher recognition in this world than to have a blockbuster movie about your accomplishments, despite the fact you look like something out of a Wes Craven movie, but being cast as a man-hunk anyway. That’s how awesome a graduation tassel is. Not to mention that the scholarship is in recognition of one of your fellow classmates who was tragically murdered. Someone that WAS IN YOUR FIRST YEAR SECTION FOR 9 MONTHS BEFORE GETTING KILLED. Is it really worth your time spent sandbagging to work out the intricacies of the scholarship “donation?”

Yeah, that would take a pretty big douchebag… Oh wait, what’s that you say? There’s MORE?! He is EMPLOYED?! At a firm that is PROFITABLE?! Just how spine-tingling shit-stuffed is this motherfucker? I mean, goddammit man, it would take an off-shore oil platform to dig deep enough to fish your head out of your cavernous ass. It’s 20 bucks dude. A one-time payment of either 20 Washingtons, 10 Jeffersons, 4 Lincolns, 2 Hamiltons, or a single fucking Jackson. Damn man, at your firm, you would have billed more than $20 for the time it took you to conduct this B.I.T.C.H.-laden correspondence. I have seen a homeless guy at a strip club “make it rain” with $8. A man who didn’t eat for 2 weeks could appreciate the services of an exotic dancer enough to spare some cash to thank her for her performance, and you can’t spare a little more paper than a homeless guy for a scholarship+tassel that would otherwise be used to wipe your ass or light a scented candle?

Ok, maybe I’ve been insensitive. You could have a justifiable excuse. Everyone knows there is one legitimate use for copious cash: it is clinically proven to negate the effects of AIDS, as witnessed by the still-great “Magic” Johnson through the lens of South Park and the Centers for Disease Control. If you have AIDS, yes, I can see the need to stash some cash to stay your inevitable demise. That, I will allow.

So, there you have it. This guy is either suffering from the debilitating effects of one of the nastiest diseases in history, or he’s an even bigger douche than this guy.

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Copywrite is granted to the original owners, and no representation is made that this blog is anything other than a blatant attempt to shame people into conformity. I did take some artistic right, but the real thing is worse, and I try to make this site family-friendly, goddammit.)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Another Cumberalnd has been pulled...

I mean, really guys? You can't proofread the headlines on your own website?