Stop! Panic Time!

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this originally on April 28th , but didn't get a chance to edit and post it prior to finals, as I'm sure you know how it goes. After all, the LOST series finale was last weekend, and all 6 seasons are not going to watch themselves in between tests. Enjoy.

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Ah, it's the most wonderful time of year for law students. It is the time of year that the temperature finally reaches levels of tolerability, and glossy-eye law students emerge from their textbook-induced hibernation to once again look upon the beauties of nature. Birds chirp and flowers bloom as the poor kids straighten their backs to meet the sweet smell of spring. Now no longer bound to the harsh attendance requirements of their employment law classes, these students pour into nature for the first time in months, soaking in the sun and enjoying the freedom that only finals season offers.

Bullshit.

One could say that Spring Break was the calm before the storm, because some students started studying for finals over a month ago. However, for most, finals season began when class ended just a few days ago. Most law students haven't seen the sun in days, if not weeks. They hole up in window-less rooms to ensure a complete casino environment where the student cannot know what the time of day is. Students will send their pets home to their mothers because their study schedule guarantees neglect. I, personally, have never studied more that 3 days for a law school test, but several students have dedicated weeks to the study of a single subject that they hope to be able to regurgitate in a single 3-hour, knuckle-warping gauntlet.

But the preparation is only one side of the coin. Law school is not just a intellectual exercise, it is a psychological tour de force. We have discussed The Panic previously. The Panic is the contagious stress-inducing phenomenon that permeates law school buildings and affecting the hapless students inside. The Panic has certainly taken a beachhead at my fair institution, and it has already brought many to their knees in teary breakdowns of Dave Chappelle proportions.

This is not a post about The Panic. This is a different kind of post. The Panic just happens to be going on, and I think it's hilarious. Instead, I would like to talk about healthcare. I present you the effects of two drugs. Pharmaceutical #1 and Pharmaceutical #2. I have listed the effects of both drugs below.

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Pharmaceutical #1

Physical effects

Anorexia, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, blood shot eyes, flushing, restlessness, dry mouth, bruxism, headache, tachycardia, bradycardia, tachypnea, hypertension, hypotension, fever, diaphoresis, diarrhea, constipation, blurred vision, aphasia, dizziness, twitching, insomnia, numbness, palpitations, arrhythmias, tremors, dry and/or itchy skin, acne, pallor, convulsions, and in rare cases (or in cases of abuse) coma, stroke, heart attack and death.

Psychological effects

Euphoria, anxiety, increased or decreased libido, alertness, concentration, energy, self-esteem, self-confidence, sociability, irritability, aggression, psychosomatic disorders, psychomotor agitation, hubris, excessive feelings of power and invincibility, repetitive and obsessive behaviors, paranoia, and with chronic and/or high doses, amphetamine psychosis can occur. The long term effects on the neural development of children have not been established.

Withdrawal effects

Mental fatigue, mental depression and an increased appetite. Symptoms may last for days with occasional use and weeks or months with chronic use, with severity dependent on the length of time and the amount taken. Withdrawal symptoms may also include anxiety, agitation, excessive sleep, vivid or lucid dreams (deep REM sleep), suicidal thoughts and psychosis.

Pharmaceutical #2

Short-Term effects

Alertness, feelings of well-being and euphoria, energy and motor activity, feelings of competence and sexuality. Athletic performance may be enhanced. Anxiety, paranoia and restlessness are also frequent. Occasional use does not typically lead to severe or even minor physical or social problems.

Long-Term effects

With excessive dosage, tremors, convulsions and increased body temperature are observed. With excessive or prolonged use, the drug can cause itching, tachycardia, hallucinations, and paranoid delusions. Overdoses cause tachyarrhythmias and a marked elevation of blood pressure. These can be life-threatening, especially if the user has existing cardiac problems.

Chronic intake causes brain cells to adapt functionally to strong imbalances of transmitter levels in order to compensate extremes. The experience of insatiable hunger, aches, insomnia/oversleeping, lethargy, and persistent runny nose are often described as very unpleasant. Depression with suicidal ideation may develop in very heavy users. All these effects contribute a rise in tolerance thus requiring a larger dosage to achieve the same effect. May also greatly increase this risk of developing rare autoimmune or connective tissue diseases such as lupus, Goodpasture's disease, vasculitis, glomerulonephritis, Stevens-Johnson syndrome and other diseases. It can also cause a wide array of kidney diseases and renal failure. Abuse doubles both the risks of hemorrhagic and ischemic strokes, as well as increases the risk of other infarctions, such as myocardial infarction.

Dependency effects

Dependence (or addiction) is psychological dependency on its regular use. Dependency may result in physiological damage, lethargy, psychosis, depression, and fatal overdose.

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If you have not guessed it so far, Pharmaceutical #1 is dextroamphetamine, the active ingredient in drugs like Adderall. Pharmaceutical #2 is recreational-grade benzoylmethylecgonine, otherwise known as cocaine.

I'm no pharmacist, but those look a hell of a lot alike. Considering that I have seen people on both, personal experience suggests that they are not too different. However, one is perfectly allowable in a law school setting while the other will forever prevent your passing a Character and Fitness Committee.

First, it may be important for us to go over the history of ADD and its treatment. "Hyperactivity" has been observed as early as 1793. Up until the 1960s, ADHD was only linked to identifiable brain injuries, not hereditary or environmental factors. However, “attention deficit disorder” did not exist as a diagnosable disease until the DSM-III, published in 1980. The active chemicals in what became to be known as Ritalin were originally discovered in 1944. In the 1960s, stimulants were first used in treating ADHD. Hardly over a decade later, ADD existed as its own independent psychological disorder.

Now, before we jump to conclusions about the disease that didn't exist until the cure could be sold to the victims, let's see how many people suffer from the disease. Psychologists estimate that between 3% and 5% of the United States populace has some form of ADHD. However, surveys report that between 5% and 35% of college age students self-reported taking study aids such as Ritalin and Adderall. Even one study found that 43% of American boys exhibited 3 of the 9 criteria for ADD under the DSM-IV. To give you an idea of how insignificant that statistic is, 16% of those very same boys will have blue eyes (not a criteria for ADD under the DSM-IV). One needs 6 of the 9 symptoms to be diagnosed with ADD. Therefore, it is more likely that you have exhibited enough symptoms worthy of being diagnosed of ADD while reading this article, than it is that you have blue eyes.

But you may be asking yourself, "But Godfather, why should I care about these peo… ooo! shiny object!” The answer is important in law school setting.

Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, educational facilities taking federal dollars must make accommodations for Americans with disabilities. ADD is a recognized disability under the ADA, which means that these students are often "accommodated" to the tune of 1.5x testing time. Because many law finals are three hours, this can be 4.5 hours, or as much as five total hours of testing, covering the same questions and the same material as other people in the class. Additionally, no consideration is given should be students also be prescribed coping prescriptions. For example, if a student is diagnosed with ADD and reports it to the school, there is no secondary check to see if they are actually taking Ritalin or Adderall. What this means is that students are given one opportunity to level the playing field, while also receiving another opportunity to tilt it in their favor. Many students are notorious for spending five hours, cracked out on Adderall, pounding out every last detail where the ultimate winner is the one who threw out the most information on their final.

But it doesn't stop there. Some students hoard their prescriptions. For the 18 weeks between finals, students will simply “save up” their precious supply of mind-enhancing drugs. After saving up the stash, students will take double, and sometimes even triple, the recommended dose for weeks on end. They will sleep precious few hours, choosing instead to hunch over desks, scanning over pages of information.

This is neither healthy, nor fair. These "disabled" are given more than enough opportunities to abuse their situation. Their behavior is no different than that of a cocaine addict. Without their precious drug, these people cannot function. However, during their binges, they will sustain themselves for literally a month on average of three hours of sleep per night. Once finals are over, the inevitable withdrawal set in, replaced by a steady stream of alcohol.

The practice of law is not law school. Tests do not occur twice a year. Instead, testing occurs on a daily basis. Reaction and cognition are necessary constantly, not for month-long benders. Yet, people are surprised to hear that law has high incidents of substance abuse.

It is because it starts in law school. The high stress environment lends itself to encouraging other outlets. Alcohol is the most common one. However, with the prevalence of study aids such as Ritalin and Adderall, the need for, and the inability to, ink out one last bit of productivity from a day that isn't getting any longer will only encourage more abuse. Adderall is an amphetamine. It is a Schedule-II drug. So is cocaine. One prevents your bar passage, but the other nearly guarantees it. Think about it.

Shame on You, America

Today, while procrastinating the interwebs, I stumbled upon a friend of mine who is excited that her parents were adopting two children. I, personally, think that adoption is a fantastic solution that provides children opportunities that they would never have had if adoption was not an option. Even more so, I was happy that the two children were from Ethiopia. Images of the Christian Children's Fund commercials, with those poor kids that seem to have flies as their only friends, made me happy that these children would see a better life in the great United States.

But then I had a realization...

As happy as I was for these children and their soon-to-be parents, a chill ran over me as I realized a devastating fact: no one buys American anymore.

An estimated 20,000 children are adopted internationally to the United States every year. That number has more than tripled since 1992. The reason that we do not know how many children are adopted each year is because no state is required to keep track of how many adoptions occur. However, since 1992 (the last year official records were kept) international adoptions have steadily climbed. In the past decade, international adoptions have skyrocketed ever since Angelina Jolie started making her international purchases in 2002.

One imagines that this was probably a well thought-out PR move. If Angelina got knocked up during the prime of her career, valuable money would've been taken out of her potential babies' mouths. Then, those babies would be forced to drink formula like all other babies, instead of the finely ground caviar mash Angelina planned to bring them up on. Plus, who wants to see Angelina Jolie pregnant? For a woman that 95% of the world wants to sex up, no one needs a reminder that little babies are the worst STD. So Angelina took the alternate route of adoption. However, like a woman with shoes, Angelina got a little carried away, ending up with six total. In order to maintain her image as a sex symbol, Angelina could not have people thinking that her vagina was a clown car for little children, so she made sure to get plenty from different countries. While possibly substantiating that these children were not all hers, the only other possibility was that she was a massive slut (which considering that she dated Billy Bob Thornton, is pretty undeniable). Yet, everything worked out, because like shoes, Angelina had one in every color, to go with every outfit.

It wasn't long before the rest of America discovered the benefits of "child accessorizing," causing the biggest boom in international adoptions in American history. Sadly, even when it comes to children, Americans have no desire to buy products made in the United States. Currently, there are an estimated 120,000 to 150,000 American children up for adoption. Only a small fraction of that number will be permanently adopted by loving parents. 60% of those adopted will be adopted by step parent. Half of the rest will be adopted by other family members that know the child. 20% of all children adopted in United States will be taken home by family they've never met and have no relation to. An increasing number of that 20% are now coming from overseas, instead of our own backyard.

In the United States, there is a midsize city's worth of home-grown, corn-fed America Babies ripe for the picking. Adopted America Babies have done great things for this country. On Sundays we watch Adopted America Baby Daunte Culpepper toss touchdowns. For post-game, we go to Adopted America Baby Dave Thomas's Wendy's restaurant. On the ride home, we listen to adopted America Baby Tim McGraw wail on the country station, and once home, google images of his hot Adopted America Baby wife, Faith Hill. A majority of Americans voted for Adopted America Baby Pres. Bill Clinton. Every single one of these people was born right here in the United States of Fuckin' America, adopted, then raised here as well. And let us not forget the most famous of all adopted Americans: Jesus, who was adopted by Joseph, son of Abraham Lincoln.

So America, get your head on straight. We buy toys from China that are covered in lead. We buy cars from Japan that have an eerie desire to drive us in the guard rails. We buy meat from Europe that will give us Mad Cow. And we buy vegetables from Mexico that will give us E. coli. What is there to make us think that our imported babies won't do the same? So America, when it comes to your stroller candy, do what Ed McMahon, Pres. Ronald Reagan, Willie Mays, and Ted Danson did before you, and buy American. Remember, American is always better, because even our babies are union made.

The New Threat to America

My fellow Americans,

We stand now on the edge of a precipice. America faces a threat so great, that every citizen faces it on their way to work tomorrow. Left unfettered, the threat will grind our country to a halt. We face one of the utmost threats in history, and if we are too self-righteous to address the issue, we are doomed to suffer its inevitable wrath.

The threat I speak of is the biker. I am not talking about the Harley-driving, leather-clad, mid-life conflicted CPA. I am talking about those individuals that see the bicycle as a means of transportation, exercise, or dreadfully, both. These road-hogging douchebags move at snail's pace, backing up the freest and most aggressive of America’s great inventions: the V-8. If God wanted you to use your legs, he would have… OH YEAH! LET YOU WALK, you fucker.

God didn’t want mankind to walk, and He also wanted America to be great. That’s why He revealed to America the 357 horsepower, 5.7 liter, HEMI V-8. A V-8 represents a monument to human engineering in coordination with divine wishes. With the HEMI V-8, America solved its two greatest threats: walking and bears (the engine noise is like a holy dog whistle for those grizzly motherfuckers).

The American Red-Assed Bicycler (Homos Dickus) is the great Satan that crazy Iranian keeps talking about. When God created the V-8, Satan countered by going at the jugular with the bicycle. This antiquated instrument was seemingly useless with the invention of the car, however, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. Yuppy pricks began hating God’s creation because they feared its chesthair-increasing growl (like bears), and began crafting excuses to avoid God’s love. Their excuse was fuel efficiency.

Fuel efficiency? Are you denying God’s greatness? God knew what he was doing, after all. He would not have blessed mankind with the V-8 without a plentiful food supply for the hungry lil’ sonuvabitch. God killed the meanest animals in history, dinosaurs, in an explosion Jerry Bruckheimer would sell his soul to trademark, and then He ground their bodies into a thick gooey substance we call “oil.” So badass was God’s V-8 creation, it fed on the condensed souls of the most badass motherfuckers to ever beat the shit out of Jeff Goldblum. But no, these heathens wanted to turn their backs on God’s play toy, and return to an age of transportation when it was a sin for women to show their ankles. The harlots…

Their solution was the bicycle. For those that are not familiar, a bicycle is a two-wheeled vehicle that requires one to move their feet in a walking manner in order to move two skinny wheels. So, in many ways, a bicycle is like walking, but because it is such a pain in the ass, the government requires this “wheeled walking” in traffic. Your mother was right, by the way: don’t play in traffic unless you want to get hit. As a matter of public policy, Americans decided that bicyclers, as a class, needed to be hit by a car. Some individuals have experienced a “bicycle” at some point in their lives. Yet this familiarity ended as soon as the individual’s balls dropped at age 16, when he was legally allowed to harness God’s power (formerly built in Detroit). Therefore, traditionally speaking, bicycles were for children (or the Chinese).

But Satan knew that convincing the masses to un-saddle God’s metallic unicorn for awkward-looking self-power was a little bit of a hard sell. However, he also knew he only had to convince a few bored jackasses in order to tame God’s mighty creation. He then began his greatest trick of all: exercise. Satan began telling his minions that if they simply rode in circles, but wound back up at the same place an hour later and sweaty as hell, it was good for them. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied. Then Satan told his minions to wear ridiculous clothes while riding their bicycles. The clothes Satan required were poor-fitting versions of the clothes from the movie Idiocracy. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied. Logically, this move made no sense. If one is trying to work hard to get an exercise, than difficulty is favorable. However, these clothes made bicycling easier, negating the purpose of “exercising,” and thereby necessitating traveling further for the same results. So Satan told his minions to use major avenues in order to expand their bicycling venues. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied, and with that, the trap was set. When his minions took to the thoroughfares, Satan created a bottleneck. Satan found a way to cage the mighty HEMI.

Years have passed, and teams of scientists, theologians, defense consultants, ice cream manufacturers, and automotive engineers have discovered that, unchecked, bicycling is the greatest threat America has ever seen. The increase in biking has stifled the true prowess of the V-8, even decreasing demand for God’s saving grace. V-8 owners are now forgetting the blessing their engines bring as they crawl 15 miles per hour below posted speed limits down their once-hallowed road tracks. Owners are even forgetting the joy of God’s grace, and moving to 4-cylinders made by sissies (i.e. the Japanese). In fact, fewer V-8’s were sold last year than in decades. V-8’s are vacating highways, leaving America with the sound of under-powered foreign “replacements” and, dare I say it, hybrids. [Shiver] The lack of a V-8’s holy rumble have emboldened all of America’s enemies, as evidenced from increased bear attacks to pirates. PIRATES! Even Pat Robertson noted, “If you look over the course of a hundred years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings.” (actual quote) Do you hear that America? Bikers are worse than terrorists.

How can we stop this encroachment on our freedoms, happiness, and even our very lives? Already, a nation-wide coalition of the willing have begun to fight back against the cyclo-terrorists. Cities across the country have now mandated that all bicycles be forced into traffic. States have prevented bicycles from accessing highways. However, there is only so much our authorities have been able to do. Like a good golf tee, they have simply given us, red-blooded Americans, a chance to drive the point home. My fellow Americans, it is now, in our darkest hour, that I ask everyone to take up the banner to beat back these cyclo-terrorists. You can do your part by reaching the speed limit at your favorite avenue, and simply set cruise control. Nothing else is needed. All violators will fall victim to the insatiable thirst of God’s screening process (your grill). Now is the time for Americans to save America, and you are American, aren’t you?

We Use "Peer" Loosely

From: “Responsible Class Officer”

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2010 23:11:17 -0500

To: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”

Subject: Please read re: Peer Scholarship

To the members of Honor Court,

Just a reminder to donate to the “Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student” Peer Scholarship. In the spirit of tradition, we are asking that each member of our class donate $20. Checks can be made payable to "Anonymous Law School in the Deep South" with "’Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student’ Peer Scholarship" in the memo line. You may also donate cash but please put it in an envelope with your name. There is a big silver box on the counter in the breakroom set up to accept donations. Students in our class who donate will receive a tassel to wear at graduation in remembrance of “Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student” and in appreciation for your donation. I know you will not want to be left out. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact me.



Sincerely,


“Responsible Class Officer”

From: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”

is this a donation or is this required?

“Responsible Class Officer”:

Why does it matter? Are you not going to donate unless it's requird?

From: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”

wouldnt that be my decision? If it is a donation then it would be at my discretion, no?

“Responsible Class Officer”:

Let's be honest...whether it's required or not, you aren't going to contribute if you don't want to so why does it even matter? I was simply reminding you. And you will probably be reminded again, maybe even several times.

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Holy shit man…

I mean, what the fuck?

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t donated yet, but there’s an emphasis on “yet.” I understand the time-value of money, and that $20 is currently earning me some minute fraction of a penny during the time that I hoard it before I inevitably hand it over. That, and I’m lazy. But, I am going to give the money. Hell, why wouldn’t you? It is a scholarship to help someone who has truly earned it to pay for books, tuition, bar tabs, and hookers. Additionally, it’s from the third-year class who can now look back on our gut-wrenching law school career and understand that like the Beatles and Joe Cocker before us, it’s always nice to have a little help from your friends. Sometimes, even get high with a little help from your friends.

It truly takes a douchebag to not forgo a steak dinner and fork over a 20-spot to help out our younger brethren while also getting a spiffy tassel to wear at graduation. Can you really even put a price on a spiffy graduation tassel? Of course not! Simply trying to apply a mathematically rational valuation of a graduation tassel earned John Nash a Nobel Prize and sent him into the 8^th tier of batshit crazy. So valiant were his efforts, Hollywood even made a movie about him, casting a bruiser of an Australian to play an American who more resembles the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. There exists no higher recognition in this world than to have a blockbuster movie about your accomplishments, despite the fact you look like something out of a Wes Craven movie, but being cast as a man-hunk anyway. That’s how awesome a graduation tassel is. Not to mention that the scholarship is in recognition of one of your fellow classmates who was tragically murdered. Someone that WAS IN YOUR FIRST YEAR SECTION FOR 9 MONTHS BEFORE GETTING KILLED. Is it really worth your time spent sandbagging to work out the intricacies of the scholarship “donation?”

Yeah, that would take a pretty big douchebag… Oh wait, what’s that you say? There’s MORE?! He is EMPLOYED?! At a firm that is PROFITABLE?! Just how spine-tingling shit-stuffed is this motherfucker? I mean, goddammit man, it would take an off-shore oil platform to dig deep enough to fish your head out of your cavernous ass. It’s 20 bucks dude. A one-time payment of either 20 Washingtons, 10 Jeffersons, 4 Lincolns, 2 Hamiltons, or a single fucking Jackson. Damn man, at your firm, you would have billed more than $20 for the time it took you to conduct this B.I.T.C.H.-laden correspondence. I have seen a homeless guy at a strip club “make it rain” with $8. A man who didn’t eat for 2 weeks could appreciate the services of an exotic dancer enough to spare some cash to thank her for her performance, and you can’t spare a little more paper than a homeless guy for a scholarship+tassel that would otherwise be used to wipe your ass or light a scented candle?

Ok, maybe I’ve been insensitive. You could have a justifiable excuse. Everyone knows there is one legitimate use for copious cash: it is clinically proven to negate the effects of AIDS, as witnessed by the still-great “Magic” Johnson through the lens of South Park and the Centers for Disease Control. If you have AIDS, yes, I can see the need to stash some cash to stay your inevitable demise. That, I will allow.

So, there you have it. This guy is either suffering from the debilitating effects of one of the nastiest diseases in history, or he’s an even bigger douche than this guy.

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Copywrite is granted to the original owners, and no representation is made that this blog is anything other than a blatant attempt to shame people into conformity. I did take some artistic right, but the real thing is worse, and I try to make this site family-friendly, goddammit.)