We Use "Peer" Loosely

From: “Responsible Class Officer”

Date: Tue, 13 Apr 2010 23:11:17 -0500

To: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”

Subject: Please read re: Peer Scholarship

To the members of Honor Court,

Just a reminder to donate to the “Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student” Peer Scholarship. In the spirit of tradition, we are asking that each member of our class donate $20. Checks can be made payable to "Anonymous Law School in the Deep South" with "’Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student’ Peer Scholarship" in the memo line. You may also donate cash but please put it in an envelope with your name. There is a big silver box on the counter in the breakroom set up to accept donations. Students in our class who donate will receive a tassel to wear at graduation in remembrance of “Recently, Tragically Deceased Fellow Law Student” and in appreciation for your donation. I know you will not want to be left out. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact me.



Sincerely,


“Responsible Class Officer”

From: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”

is this a donation or is this required?

“Responsible Class Officer”:

Why does it matter? Are you not going to donate unless it's requird?

From: “Unnamed Honor Court Justice”

wouldnt that be my decision? If it is a donation then it would be at my discretion, no?

“Responsible Class Officer”:

Let's be honest...whether it's required or not, you aren't going to contribute if you don't want to so why does it even matter? I was simply reminding you. And you will probably be reminded again, maybe even several times.

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Holy shit man…

I mean, what the fuck?

Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t donated yet, but there’s an emphasis on “yet.” I understand the time-value of money, and that $20 is currently earning me some minute fraction of a penny during the time that I hoard it before I inevitably hand it over. That, and I’m lazy. But, I am going to give the money. Hell, why wouldn’t you? It is a scholarship to help someone who has truly earned it to pay for books, tuition, bar tabs, and hookers. Additionally, it’s from the third-year class who can now look back on our gut-wrenching law school career and understand that like the Beatles and Joe Cocker before us, it’s always nice to have a little help from your friends. Sometimes, even get high with a little help from your friends.

It truly takes a douchebag to not forgo a steak dinner and fork over a 20-spot to help out our younger brethren while also getting a spiffy tassel to wear at graduation. Can you really even put a price on a spiffy graduation tassel? Of course not! Simply trying to apply a mathematically rational valuation of a graduation tassel earned John Nash a Nobel Prize and sent him into the 8^th tier of batshit crazy. So valiant were his efforts, Hollywood even made a movie about him, casting a bruiser of an Australian to play an American who more resembles the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. There exists no higher recognition in this world than to have a blockbuster movie about your accomplishments, despite the fact you look like something out of a Wes Craven movie, but being cast as a man-hunk anyway. That’s how awesome a graduation tassel is. Not to mention that the scholarship is in recognition of one of your fellow classmates who was tragically murdered. Someone that WAS IN YOUR FIRST YEAR SECTION FOR 9 MONTHS BEFORE GETTING KILLED. Is it really worth your time spent sandbagging to work out the intricacies of the scholarship “donation?”

Yeah, that would take a pretty big douchebag… Oh wait, what’s that you say? There’s MORE?! He is EMPLOYED?! At a firm that is PROFITABLE?! Just how spine-tingling shit-stuffed is this motherfucker? I mean, goddammit man, it would take an off-shore oil platform to dig deep enough to fish your head out of your cavernous ass. It’s 20 bucks dude. A one-time payment of either 20 Washingtons, 10 Jeffersons, 4 Lincolns, 2 Hamiltons, or a single fucking Jackson. Damn man, at your firm, you would have billed more than $20 for the time it took you to conduct this B.I.T.C.H.-laden correspondence. I have seen a homeless guy at a strip club “make it rain” with $8. A man who didn’t eat for 2 weeks could appreciate the services of an exotic dancer enough to spare some cash to thank her for her performance, and you can’t spare a little more paper than a homeless guy for a scholarship+tassel that would otherwise be used to wipe your ass or light a scented candle?

Ok, maybe I’ve been insensitive. You could have a justifiable excuse. Everyone knows there is one legitimate use for copious cash: it is clinically proven to negate the effects of AIDS, as witnessed by the still-great “Magic” Johnson through the lens of South Park and the Centers for Disease Control. If you have AIDS, yes, I can see the need to stash some cash to stay your inevitable demise. That, I will allow.

So, there you have it. This guy is either suffering from the debilitating effects of one of the nastiest diseases in history, or he’s an even bigger douche than this guy.

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Copywrite is granted to the original owners, and no representation is made that this blog is anything other than a blatant attempt to shame people into conformity. I did take some artistic right, but the real thing is worse, and I try to make this site family-friendly, goddammit.)