The New Threat to America

My fellow Americans,

We stand now on the edge of a precipice. America faces a threat so great, that every citizen faces it on their way to work tomorrow. Left unfettered, the threat will grind our country to a halt. We face one of the utmost threats in history, and if we are too self-righteous to address the issue, we are doomed to suffer its inevitable wrath.

The threat I speak of is the biker. I am not talking about the Harley-driving, leather-clad, mid-life conflicted CPA. I am talking about those individuals that see the bicycle as a means of transportation, exercise, or dreadfully, both. These road-hogging douchebags move at snail's pace, backing up the freest and most aggressive of America’s great inventions: the V-8. If God wanted you to use your legs, he would have… OH YEAH! LET YOU WALK, you fucker.

God didn’t want mankind to walk, and He also wanted America to be great. That’s why He revealed to America the 357 horsepower, 5.7 liter, HEMI V-8. A V-8 represents a monument to human engineering in coordination with divine wishes. With the HEMI V-8, America solved its two greatest threats: walking and bears (the engine noise is like a holy dog whistle for those grizzly motherfuckers).

The American Red-Assed Bicycler (Homos Dickus) is the great Satan that crazy Iranian keeps talking about. When God created the V-8, Satan countered by going at the jugular with the bicycle. This antiquated instrument was seemingly useless with the invention of the car, however, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. Yuppy pricks began hating God’s creation because they feared its chesthair-increasing growl (like bears), and began crafting excuses to avoid God’s love. Their excuse was fuel efficiency.

Fuel efficiency? Are you denying God’s greatness? God knew what he was doing, after all. He would not have blessed mankind with the V-8 without a plentiful food supply for the hungry lil’ sonuvabitch. God killed the meanest animals in history, dinosaurs, in an explosion Jerry Bruckheimer would sell his soul to trademark, and then He ground their bodies into a thick gooey substance we call “oil.” So badass was God’s V-8 creation, it fed on the condensed souls of the most badass motherfuckers to ever beat the shit out of Jeff Goldblum. But no, these heathens wanted to turn their backs on God’s play toy, and return to an age of transportation when it was a sin for women to show their ankles. The harlots…

Their solution was the bicycle. For those that are not familiar, a bicycle is a two-wheeled vehicle that requires one to move their feet in a walking manner in order to move two skinny wheels. So, in many ways, a bicycle is like walking, but because it is such a pain in the ass, the government requires this “wheeled walking” in traffic. Your mother was right, by the way: don’t play in traffic unless you want to get hit. As a matter of public policy, Americans decided that bicyclers, as a class, needed to be hit by a car. Some individuals have experienced a “bicycle” at some point in their lives. Yet this familiarity ended as soon as the individual’s balls dropped at age 16, when he was legally allowed to harness God’s power (formerly built in Detroit). Therefore, traditionally speaking, bicycles were for children (or the Chinese).

But Satan knew that convincing the masses to un-saddle God’s metallic unicorn for awkward-looking self-power was a little bit of a hard sell. However, he also knew he only had to convince a few bored jackasses in order to tame God’s mighty creation. He then began his greatest trick of all: exercise. Satan began telling his minions that if they simply rode in circles, but wound back up at the same place an hour later and sweaty as hell, it was good for them. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied. Then Satan told his minions to wear ridiculous clothes while riding their bicycles. The clothes Satan required were poor-fitting versions of the clothes from the movie Idiocracy. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied. Logically, this move made no sense. If one is trying to work hard to get an exercise, than difficulty is favorable. However, these clothes made bicycling easier, negating the purpose of “exercising,” and thereby necessitating traveling further for the same results. So Satan told his minions to use major avenues in order to expand their bicycling venues. Unknowingly, Satan’s minions complied, and with that, the trap was set. When his minions took to the thoroughfares, Satan created a bottleneck. Satan found a way to cage the mighty HEMI.

Years have passed, and teams of scientists, theologians, defense consultants, ice cream manufacturers, and automotive engineers have discovered that, unchecked, bicycling is the greatest threat America has ever seen. The increase in biking has stifled the true prowess of the V-8, even decreasing demand for God’s saving grace. V-8 owners are now forgetting the blessing their engines bring as they crawl 15 miles per hour below posted speed limits down their once-hallowed road tracks. Owners are even forgetting the joy of God’s grace, and moving to 4-cylinders made by sissies (i.e. the Japanese). In fact, fewer V-8’s were sold last year than in decades. V-8’s are vacating highways, leaving America with the sound of under-powered foreign “replacements” and, dare I say it, hybrids. [Shiver] The lack of a V-8’s holy rumble have emboldened all of America’s enemies, as evidenced from increased bear attacks to pirates. PIRATES! Even Pat Robertson noted, “If you look over the course of a hundred years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings.” (actual quote) Do you hear that America? Bikers are worse than terrorists.

How can we stop this encroachment on our freedoms, happiness, and even our very lives? Already, a nation-wide coalition of the willing have begun to fight back against the cyclo-terrorists. Cities across the country have now mandated that all bicycles be forced into traffic. States have prevented bicycles from accessing highways. However, there is only so much our authorities have been able to do. Like a good golf tee, they have simply given us, red-blooded Americans, a chance to drive the point home. My fellow Americans, it is now, in our darkest hour, that I ask everyone to take up the banner to beat back these cyclo-terrorists. You can do your part by reaching the speed limit at your favorite avenue, and simply set cruise control. Nothing else is needed. All violators will fall victim to the insatiable thirst of God’s screening process (your grill). Now is the time for Americans to save America, and you are American, aren’t you?