Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Shame on You, America

Today, while procrastinating the interwebs, I stumbled upon a friend of mine who is excited that her parents were adopting two children. I, personally, think that adoption is a fantastic solution that provides children opportunities that they would never have had if adoption was not an option. Even more so, I was happy that the two children were from Ethiopia. Images of the Christian Children's Fund commercials, with those poor kids that seem to have flies as their only friends, made me happy that these children would see a better life in the great United States.

But then I had a realization...

As happy as I was for these children and their soon-to-be parents, a chill ran over me as I realized a devastating fact: no one buys American anymore.

An estimated 20,000 children are adopted internationally to the United States every year. That number has more than tripled since 1992. The reason that we do not know how many children are adopted each year is because no state is required to keep track of how many adoptions occur. However, since 1992 (the last year official records were kept) international adoptions have steadily climbed. In the past decade, international adoptions have skyrocketed ever since Angelina Jolie started making her international purchases in 2002.

One imagines that this was probably a well thought-out PR move. If Angelina got knocked up during the prime of her career, valuable money would've been taken out of her potential babies' mouths. Then, those babies would be forced to drink formula like all other babies, instead of the finely ground caviar mash Angelina planned to bring them up on. Plus, who wants to see Angelina Jolie pregnant? For a woman that 95% of the world wants to sex up, no one needs a reminder that little babies are the worst STD. So Angelina took the alternate route of adoption. However, like a woman with shoes, Angelina got a little carried away, ending up with six total. In order to maintain her image as a sex symbol, Angelina could not have people thinking that her vagina was a clown car for little children, so she made sure to get plenty from different countries. While possibly substantiating that these children were not all hers, the only other possibility was that she was a massive slut (which considering that she dated Billy Bob Thornton, is pretty undeniable). Yet, everything worked out, because like shoes, Angelina had one in every color, to go with every outfit.

It wasn't long before the rest of America discovered the benefits of "child accessorizing," causing the biggest boom in international adoptions in American history. Sadly, even when it comes to children, Americans have no desire to buy products made in the United States. Currently, there are an estimated 120,000 to 150,000 American children up for adoption. Only a small fraction of that number will be permanently adopted by loving parents. 60% of those adopted will be adopted by step parent. Half of the rest will be adopted by other family members that know the child. 20% of all children adopted in United States will be taken home by family they've never met and have no relation to. An increasing number of that 20% are now coming from overseas, instead of our own backyard.

In the United States, there is a midsize city's worth of home-grown, corn-fed America Babies ripe for the picking. Adopted America Babies have done great things for this country. On Sundays we watch Adopted America Baby Daunte Culpepper toss touchdowns. For post-game, we go to Adopted America Baby Dave Thomas's Wendy's restaurant. On the ride home, we listen to adopted America Baby Tim McGraw wail on the country station, and once home, google images of his hot Adopted America Baby wife, Faith Hill. A majority of Americans voted for Adopted America Baby Pres. Bill Clinton. Every single one of these people was born right here in the United States of Fuckin' America, adopted, then raised here as well. And let us not forget the most famous of all adopted Americans: Jesus, who was adopted by Joseph, son of Abraham Lincoln.

So America, get your head on straight. We buy toys from China that are covered in lead. We buy cars from Japan that have an eerie desire to drive us in the guard rails. We buy meat from Europe that will give us Mad Cow. And we buy vegetables from Mexico that will give us E. coli. What is there to make us think that our imported babies won't do the same? So America, when it comes to your stroller candy, do what Ed McMahon, Pres. Ronald Reagan, Willie Mays, and Ted Danson did before you, and buy American. Remember, American is always better, because even our babies are union made.

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