Monday, October 5, 2009

Hey Economy, Fuck You.

It was a class like most other upper-level classes. The professor, who is an adjunct professor, spent the majority of his time bitching about what actually happens in practice and not about the actual subject matter of the class. Now most of you that are in law school upper-lever classes know all about this (unless you're in some pretentious Ivy League school where your professors never practiced a day in their lives), and you'll also typically know that your adjunct professors have much more actual knowledge to convey than any information contained in your core classes. The wisdom provided in this particular lecture was somewhat humbling. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said to start the class, "welcome to the worst hiring market in my 25 years."

That was 12 months ago.

Needless to say any recent graduate knows how much it sucks to be looking for a job right now. I don't care if you have a law degree, an engineering degree, or if you failed out of the M.R.S. program, shit sucks. What makes it even worse, is that we don't even know how bad shit is. You see, recent graduates seeking gainful employment are not calculated in typical unemployment statistics. However, unemployment for 16-24-year-olds is 52.2%. Again, that doesn't count recent graduates.

I, like so many others, have aggressively sought employment. I even went to Career Services, for what that's worth. It took the guy an hour to basically tell me to open the Yellow Pages, start with "A" and work from there, but to make sure I had a glass of water for all the envelopes I'd be licking, and asses I'd be kissing. Within the past year I have sent out at least 50 resumes to all firms, big and small, throughout my city. In addition to those resumes, I also called numerous law firms asking if they were hiring. Not only did none of them even hint at an open position, one receptionist even laughed at the concept. For all she knew, I could've been a fifth-year associate, but that didn't stop her from cackling and promptly hanging up. I even sent a few resumes to a distant tropical paradise to see if they needed legal help. Apparently not. At least I got a couple interviews, right? One place I interviewed with even had the balls to call me up, convince me to show for a 9 AM interview, and then tell me, after 15 minutes, that they weren't actually hiring, but were new to the region and just wanted to get their names out there. That's the career equivalent of going on a date, ordering food, then promptly hearing about your date's herpes problem. Nothing is going to come of it, but you've already gotten all pretty and now you're still stuck there for the duration.

What makes this problem even worse, is that several big firms in this area have retained their 1L On-Campus-Interview schedules. Yes, 1L OCI is not that common, but here it is. In fact, here, it is very big. That's why the big firms have chosen to keep their appointments. You see, if they didn't show up, it would look bad. It doesn't matter that they will be taking record low numbers of summer associates, and the interview schedules are going to end up being a formality for basically everyone. However, this will inevitably have the effect of inflating the average 1L's already-gargantuan ego. Like an Ole' Miss fan when they are ranked in the top 10, these people become insufferable. Not only is this a cruel tease, but we, the upperclassmen, are left to clean up the inevitable emotional fallout. This would be okay if these were college coeds who had just been rejected from their favorite sorority, but we're dealing with law students here, and there's no hiding the fact that these are not the most attractive people of the world...

But it hasn't stopped there, even those in the graduating class are still unemployed. In fact, several of them have had to resort to opening their own temporary law firms just to make ends meet until the crushing blow of Sally Mae's interest rates come rattling down in about four month's time. The legal market has dried up so significantly that several have resorted to the old jobs they had after college, thus making their $100k+ JD's about as useful as a Shakira concert at a school for the Not Deaf, But Blind. This means that, not only do we law students have to compete against others in our class for the bread crumbs that are still out there, but we have to do this against people that should've gotten a job last year, but now have a year of fear and rock-bottom standards to match.

Nope, the reality is finally setting in. The only jobs are with the government. Literally. The only employer that has even attempted to register for upper-class OCI is the United States taxpayer. Listen, as much as it might sound like it, I am not above doing menial tasks. As much as I act better than the rest of you, when it comes to a paycheck, I'll dig ditches, build walls, serve fast food, hell, I'll even put my JD to good work by helping some criminals launder some money. My other interview was even with a nice fella named Bernie. But then the government decided to throw Mr. Madoff in jail, so I guess that's a wash. Alright, Uncle Sam, I get the hint. If you're the only bastard hiring, I guess I can help the IRS on some of those collections irregularities.

Fuck this economy. I wish I could afford beer.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Definitive Female Age Break-Down

For the past several years, a litany of vocabulary has flooded pop-culture in reference to attractive women. The problem with this vocabulary is much of it is inconsistent. In order to correct inaccuracies, and to set forth a definitive and reliable vocabulary, Pulling a Cumberland is proud to present:

The Definitive Female Age Break-Down

Sex kitten. We've heard it tossed around, but few dare to define this ambiguous term. Conveniently, Pulling a Cumberland has balls enough to take on this task. Henceforth, a sex kitten is an attractive female between the legal age of consent and 21, but with a clear sex drive. While the origins of the term are unfamiliar (i.e. not available on Wikipedia), we are left only speculate as to why this term came about. And speculate we will. It is clear that term originated from a collective societal experience, whereby an unknowing young man, seeing a cute little kitten, went to pet the creature. The creature, while obviously adorable, resorted to a generous use of its claws, scarring the young man. It is also from this feral origin that we get the word maneater. Through the centuries, the term became colloquialized and now we use to describe a woman that we men would like to make purr. We have also not managed to learn our lesson, as of yet. However, this term should not be confused with jailbait. Jailbait is any attractive female below the legal age of consent, with whom any indiscretions result in serious imprisonment. Ultimately, jailbait is the thing that all men love about high school girls: while we keep getting older, they stay the same age...

Sex puma. This is an attractive female between the ages of 21 and 30. Characterized by a growing knowledge in her own sexuality, as well as a ramp up to her sexual peak, the sex puma has retained much of the attractiveness of sex kittens, while adding a little experience. Plus, "puma" is pretty badass word, and there's just so many attractive 21-30 year old women for them not to have a cool name.

Sex panther. This is an attractive female between the ages of 31 and 40. Either through the shackles of marriage or the inevitable wrecking ball of time, this age group suffers silently. While those in the first group have yet to discover their husbands' blatant indiscretions, and those in the second group show a general disdain for the gym, the sex panther is a rare find. While attractive women in this age group are better known as MILFs, they are typically attached, which creates its own problems (unless you follow my rule: "Everything is fair until they say 'I do,' and after that, it's just tacky."). If found alone in the wild, all attempts should be made to capture and tame this creature.

The Cougar. Currently one of the most popular terms in today's society, cougars are characterized as women above the age of 40, who are not only attractive, but have a tendency to seek out younger men. These women are typically divorced or never married, who finally become fed up with their husbands or their careers, or both, and have decided to go after those of the younger persuasion. While this demographic is growing, they historically have been oppressed. However, younger men see a certain appeal in the older women, not only through a more dignified type of beauty, but from the obvious benefits of experience, hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. Because of the growing appeal of the cougar demographic, younger men have been known to frequent cougar dens on cougar hunting safaris. If one should partake in one of these raids, be careful, because while these women may be aggressively attractive, or attractively aggressive, big cats can have sharp claws. However, if the proper precautions are taken, these endeavors can be fun for the whole family.

The Lioness. A lioness is a sexually active women over the age of 70. This age group departs significantly from the others that we've mentioned. Currently, the female members of the Greatest Generation are outliving their husbands and embracing the comforts of the "active retirement community." For those that don't know, these places are like college, but with fewer inhibitions, if that's possible. Lionesses have been known to roam these hallways, bedding several different men at the same time. For the sake of everyone's appetite, I'll save the details, but suffice to say that sexually transmitted diseases in these establishments are as communal as bingo night.

There you have it, the classification and the description of women of all ages and development. Now your task is similar to that provided in Pokémon: collect 'em all!