Monday, October 5, 2009

Hey Economy, Fuck You.

It was a class like most other upper-level classes. The professor, who is an adjunct professor, spent the majority of his time bitching about what actually happens in practice and not about the actual subject matter of the class. Now most of you that are in law school upper-lever classes know all about this (unless you're in some pretentious Ivy League school where your professors never practiced a day in their lives), and you'll also typically know that your adjunct professors have much more actual knowledge to convey than any information contained in your core classes. The wisdom provided in this particular lecture was somewhat humbling. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said to start the class, "welcome to the worst hiring market in my 25 years."

That was 12 months ago.

Needless to say any recent graduate knows how much it sucks to be looking for a job right now. I don't care if you have a law degree, an engineering degree, or if you failed out of the M.R.S. program, shit sucks. What makes it even worse, is that we don't even know how bad shit is. You see, recent graduates seeking gainful employment are not calculated in typical unemployment statistics. However, unemployment for 16-24-year-olds is 52.2%. Again, that doesn't count recent graduates.

I, like so many others, have aggressively sought employment. I even went to Career Services, for what that's worth. It took the guy an hour to basically tell me to open the Yellow Pages, start with "A" and work from there, but to make sure I had a glass of water for all the envelopes I'd be licking, and asses I'd be kissing. Within the past year I have sent out at least 50 resumes to all firms, big and small, throughout my city. In addition to those resumes, I also called numerous law firms asking if they were hiring. Not only did none of them even hint at an open position, one receptionist even laughed at the concept. For all she knew, I could've been a fifth-year associate, but that didn't stop her from cackling and promptly hanging up. I even sent a few resumes to a distant tropical paradise to see if they needed legal help. Apparently not. At least I got a couple interviews, right? One place I interviewed with even had the balls to call me up, convince me to show for a 9 AM interview, and then tell me, after 15 minutes, that they weren't actually hiring, but were new to the region and just wanted to get their names out there. That's the career equivalent of going on a date, ordering food, then promptly hearing about your date's herpes problem. Nothing is going to come of it, but you've already gotten all pretty and now you're still stuck there for the duration.

What makes this problem even worse, is that several big firms in this area have retained their 1L On-Campus-Interview schedules. Yes, 1L OCI is not that common, but here it is. In fact, here, it is very big. That's why the big firms have chosen to keep their appointments. You see, if they didn't show up, it would look bad. It doesn't matter that they will be taking record low numbers of summer associates, and the interview schedules are going to end up being a formality for basically everyone. However, this will inevitably have the effect of inflating the average 1L's already-gargantuan ego. Like an Ole' Miss fan when they are ranked in the top 10, these people become insufferable. Not only is this a cruel tease, but we, the upperclassmen, are left to clean up the inevitable emotional fallout. This would be okay if these were college coeds who had just been rejected from their favorite sorority, but we're dealing with law students here, and there's no hiding the fact that these are not the most attractive people of the world...

But it hasn't stopped there, even those in the graduating class are still unemployed. In fact, several of them have had to resort to opening their own temporary law firms just to make ends meet until the crushing blow of Sally Mae's interest rates come rattling down in about four month's time. The legal market has dried up so significantly that several have resorted to the old jobs they had after college, thus making their $100k+ JD's about as useful as a Shakira concert at a school for the Not Deaf, But Blind. This means that, not only do we law students have to compete against others in our class for the bread crumbs that are still out there, but we have to do this against people that should've gotten a job last year, but now have a year of fear and rock-bottom standards to match.

Nope, the reality is finally setting in. The only jobs are with the government. Literally. The only employer that has even attempted to register for upper-class OCI is the United States taxpayer. Listen, as much as it might sound like it, I am not above doing menial tasks. As much as I act better than the rest of you, when it comes to a paycheck, I'll dig ditches, build walls, serve fast food, hell, I'll even put my JD to good work by helping some criminals launder some money. My other interview was even with a nice fella named Bernie. But then the government decided to throw Mr. Madoff in jail, so I guess that's a wash. Alright, Uncle Sam, I get the hint. If you're the only bastard hiring, I guess I can help the IRS on some of those collections irregularities.

Fuck this economy. I wish I could afford beer.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Definitive Female Age Break-Down

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