Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Another Cumberalnd has been pulled...

I mean, really guys? You can't proofread the headlines on your own website?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Baseless Intradisciplinary Transitionary Competitive Hyperactivity

Law school is rough. It is rougher on some people more so than others. Some people are able to effectively hide that stress, others, not so much. People in a law school environment quickly realize those that can handle the stress, and those that cannot. I have been one such observer.

I have seen people break down and cry in the library. I have seen people freeze up for 90 minutes in a 3-hour Torts final. I have seen people finish a final and drink their sorrows away in a 3-day bender. I have even seen me do it. It has been my experience that law school can bring out the very worst in people, and it rarely brings out the best. It is a debilitating process that serves more to whittle one down to a finely-tuned instrument than to promote one’s inherent skills or natural ability. Law school is not so much a “cream rising to the top” situation, but more of a “last man standing” free-for-all.

This educational process creates a disorder that affects many of its participants. Every observer of law students recognizes it in some form, but has trouble putting their finger on the most accurate diagnosis. I have recognized it for years, but I always had trouble putting a name on it myself. That time has come to an end. Never fear, ladies and gentleman, the time for uncertainty and speculation is over. This affliction now has a name:

Baseless Intradisciplinary Transitionary Competitive Hyperactivity

(Also known as the B.I.T.C.H.)

Anatomy: Law school demands a lot of its people. It rarely hands out moments of success or satisfaction. The lack of recognition can wear on an individual, and some will become affected by the B.I.T.C.H.. People exhibiting B.I.T.C.H. symptoms seek to internalize issues created in law school and then attempt to outsource their self-affirmation to confirm their own self-worth.

Causes: B.I.T.C.H. is essentially caused by a lack of personal attention. Persons most likely affected are women, but the disorder manifests in both sexes. A B.I.T.C.H. begins with an individual’s low feelings of self-worth and a general need for affirmation. The individual is then placed in a transitionary environment where standards are unfamiliar and expectations are unknown (such as law school). After a less-than-smooth transition, the individual finds themselves in an academically homogenous, intradisciplinary, and highly competitive environment populated by people with similar skills and ambitions. Because of indeterminable expectations and a lack of frequent benchmarks by which to assess themselves, individuals find other ways to justify their own self-worth. However, B.I.T.C.H. sufferers, because of their need to externalize their self-worth, find tangential and irrelevant standards by which to justify their value. These baseless standards have nothing to do with success in their chosen field of study, but serve only to affirm one’s own self worth. Failure to achieve in these tangential standards can deepen the affects of the B.I.T.C.H., and it may become a chronic condition.

Symptoms: The most common symptom of the B.I.T.C.H. is a fierce dominance and/or competition over a seemingly-irrelevant aspect of one’s professional life. Examples of these symptoms can include, but are not limited to, competition over love interests, deriding one’s apparel, and/or a general attempt to garner attention. Observed symptoms have manifested in as many as 7 females fighting over the same fertile male. That occasion’s quantity was tempered by another occasion’s quality when one B.I.T.C.H. open-hand slapped another B.I.T.C.H. While these instances do provide moments of hilarity for non-effected parties, the common theme is that individuals will avoid a B.I.T.C.H. when possible. Other symptoms of the B.I.T.C.H. include tearing down another to make themselves seem better, talking incessantly about one’s own accomplishments even when they are relatively miniscule or irrelevant, and a general lack of congeniality or tact when the conversation shifts to anyone but themselves.

Prognosis: Left untreated, a B.I.T.C.H. will have increasingly-severe symptoms. The worst cases result in a chronic B.I.T.C.H. The disorder will alienate friends, discourage new relationships, and severely hinder one’s love life and procreative pursuits. The latter results originate from a general societal stigma that the disorder is hereditary, which has yet to be disproven. Because of the disorder’s origins in external stimuli, changing conditions can improve or worsen the B.I.T.C.H. symptoms. In all likelihood, the worsening economy will decrease affirming stimuli and increase the need for external affirmation, increase the number of B.I.T.C.H. cases. In a very real sense, the job market can be a real B.I.T.C.H.

Treatment: Treatment of the B.I.T.C.H. is a precarious process. If the affected individual is confronted with the condition insincerely or light-heartedly, the notifying individual may bear the full brunt of the B.I.T.C.H. Clinical studies prove that the unprepared treating professional, after being exposed to a directed barrage of B.I.T.C.H., can be left hysterical and paranoid. Some have even expressed agoraphobia and suicidal tendencies. Likewise, avoiding the issue entirely may perpetuate the chronic nature of the B.I.T.C.H. Proper treatment involves a coordinated highlighting of B.I.T.C.H. symptoms. Place emphasis on the affected individual’s recognition of the symptoms. Asking, “Don’t you think you’re being a B.I.T.C.H.?” places a necessary recognition in the mind of the infected individual. Only through persistent recognition and constant derision can symptoms of the B.I.T.C.H. be mitigated. While still experimental, some treating professionals have noticed some success with a treatment for severe cases. While still awaiting FDA approval, this experimental treatment utilizes extending one’s dominant hand across their body, opening that hand completely, and bringing it across the face of a particularly irrational B.I.T.C.H. in a back-handed fashion. Shortly following this “B.I.T.C.H. Slap,” the treating professional makes a stern, affirmative statement such as “You are being a B.I.T.C.H.” This treatment has the effect of bringing high-level B.I.T.C.H.’s down to a lower frequency level in order to pursue more traditional treatment methods. Again, it cannot be emphasized enough: This treatment is highly experimental, and as it has not passed FDA approval (still in Phase III Human Testing). Use of this treatment method should be followed strictly-by-the-book, as any deviation may expose one to civil and criminal liability. If used, the patient will likely have strong feelings of hatred towards you for a period of time. This is not your fault as a treating professional, this is simply a side effect of the treatment and its interaction with the underlying irrationality of the B.I.T.C.H. disease. Over time, as symptoms decrease, the patient will thank you and come to love you for your bravery in taking such bold action in treating their disease.

Outlook: The outlook for people suffering from the B.I.T.C.H. is not hopeful. Affected individuals will tend to lead solitary, lonely, and unfulfilling lives. However, it does not have to be that way. Early detection and proper treatment can result in an almost complete recovery. Statistical studies have shown that the B.I.T.C.H. can flare up at later dates, leading to suggest that the disorder is viral in nature and cannot ever be completely purged from the patient. Again, early detection and proper treatment can keep these flare ups to a bear minimum. Ultimately, despite the fact that B.I.T.C.H.’s be crazy, there is no reason they cannot overcome the disorder and end up leading successful and fulfilling lives.